I woke already packaged in an apathy membrane. This was the day when I should have fought the giants for the possession of Olympus! I wrote a letter of apology to myself after mending the cocoon making machine.
After playing with dinosaurs in the garden I found an old wall with pictures of people in rows of little alcoves. Some of the pictures were pleasant, some were not.
I vacuumed up the bird footprints left on the carpet then went to sleep in the memory maker.
A picture that I saw in my head when I was a child came back to me today: People sitting on flying magic carpets reaping outstretched arms with sickles.
Poppy and I dug holes, I was hampered by a giant snake which wound itself round my leg. As a surprise Poppy reappeared in a frog suit. However, she didn’t realise I was on first name terms with Batfrog, the legendary super hero.
Before I came in I drew circles on the ground and stood in them.
A busy day squashed between two sheets of glass. This does reduce one’s options somewhat – for example, you can only move in two dimensions. I have been practicing thinking in two dimensions for a little while.
My natural inclination is to think in five and speak in six. While doing this it helps to metamorphose into a coat on a hanger. Eventually, a helicopter emerges from my top pocket.
While living in an ant hill I invented a house made of liquorice. I couldn’t patent it as in an absent minded moment I ate it.
Half a day out and half a day in my studio. When I opened the door a giant frog said: “If there is a collective memory across all species I can dream of dinosaurs”. I then rubbed an eraser across the evening.
I walked along an avenue of giant teeth. There was a strange light. I can remember the teeth from my childhood; one was taken out by a dentist the size of a skyscraper. In my imagination, King Kong swatted space ships while clinging to his hat.
I took a wrong turn today and ended up inside a giant candy stick. It was like looking at a child’s sunset. One peculiarity was that everyone seemed to have only one eye. I felt underneath all passing sheep and then walked Poppy behind a nursing home for old machines.
It has been unseasonably hot all day. Looking through the secret viewer that can be pulled out of the sky I saw the carboniferous coal forests. There was a convenience store at the end of the road.
A day in the grotto with the milkmaids. Someone invented a talking Marie Antoinette statue. I walked on a dreamhole cover (similar to a manhole cover but it rises upwards) and dreamt of Caravaggio. There are people that sell short sentences or passages of music in the street. I normally say no thank you.
The warmest day of the year and I walked poppy to the moon and back.
I spend the day in a dalek suit. While walking home from a place of work I call exterminate and a flock of birds perch on all appendages. I change into a Greek bush. I then find the trap door where animals disappear for trade union meetings.
My dog is a shop steward; I am a shop assistant and help elephants find clothes to fit a giraffe. I paint pictures with my arms and stop the traffic coming from Mars.
I found out today what an individual hair feels like! I was stuck in a tube that stretched for miles in a huge tangled mass. I was able to press buttons and flick switches but I wasn’t sure if anything happened as a result of these actions. I was a working man from morning to night.
While sitting for dinner a garden pond formed itself in the middle of the table, next to the fruit bowl, I pulled a plastic fish from the bowl and blew air into it.
Icicles hung from the electric lamp.
On going outside I was startled to find an island firmly planted on the roof of the house; overhanging all sides. I guessed this was because I had got round to tidying the cupboard under the stairs – everything is connected in this house. I enjoyed chilling out on the high rise beach – plus the early morning solitary confinement.
After my housework I hung from the ceiling as a Christmas decoration man (famed hero of my childhood). Although mainly intent on perfecting my hot air spiral technique I was also conscious of glittering in the sunlight.
I later walked the dog over a rainbow.
A day locked in the bread maker I got my wife for her birthday some years ago. I was first caught between rock cakes and then between a hard place. In the hard place, I pretend to be the hard man: I push open the saloon door and ask the first person I see for a photograph. They lick a stamp – I am not sure if it was a first class or a second.
I am asleep in a gondola that hangs from a giant eagle.
Simple Simon's Diary: The Daily Art Work 