My Diary

I found a hole in a cloud and crawled up into it – the cloud was very obliging and knelt down so that I could reach.  Once inside, I discovered I was standing on a railway engine turntable.  As I gradually turned round I saw a different door facing me each time.  As there was so many different opportunities I decided to fly out the chimney with the smoke!

While following a bird on the way home I noticed three small boys walking down a hill; by the time they had got to the bottom they were old men.  I was pleased I was not working in an old people’s home even though one had just sprouted in the garden disguised as a tree.

I think I may have toothache!

My Diary

Before I could follow my plan to build a house out of sheep faeces I had to take the dog to the vet.  She was muzzled while he made her a floppy ear hat; she reciprocated by running up a pair of woollen gloves while repeatedly jumping between the table and a tramp that had come into the room for a match.  I was concerned he would set his hair on fire but he only whittled on a piece of elm wood in his trouser pocket.

We gave Poppy her medication while she helped jet planes land on an aircraft carrier stationed in the smaller of the two ponds in the garden – giant frogs occupy the larger pond (where they whistle at poodles as they power glide down the street).

My Diary

I spent the morning on the ground and the evening in the sky – the afternoon was passed somewhere in between.

During the night I was concerned that ancient fighters would descend from holes in the ceiling and litter the carpet.  However, the only faces which looked down had young boy masks and arrows in their head.  I broke a javelin and turned it into a timepiece; my colleague counted off the minutes – they were all there; despite my claim that some had managed to escape under a sleeping horse in the middle of the room.

The room used to be a mouth and the windows were teeth.

My Diary

I spent most of the day in a garden; it was a strange garden with a dragon’s tail and rows of sharks teeth – if you scatter the latter on the ground they turn into men in identical brown overcoats.

I began by pulling plums from under flower border skirts; I put them in a sack so that I could throw it over my shoulder and trudge back to the Viking long boat.  After this I migrated to the desert to turn palm trees into office blocks. I found that if you plant a small house into new earth it grows into a larger one; the largest ones are yew and are believed to be over a thousand years old.

The end of the day was spent fighting the Crimean war.  I had salad for dinner.

My Diary

I went out to dinner with several furry animals.  They were pleasant animals and the conversation was very polite.  I had a break off to make a slit in the ground; I ran an invisible thread down it and then bricked it up – this stops the monsters rising with burning candles in their ears.  I had some bricks over so I made a pyramid – unfortunately it subsequently rained and it turned into an old bucket with bones in it.  Incidentally, if you leave the bones alone they eventually turn into white butterflies.

As I had nothing to do in the evening I invented a year and divided it into thirteen months.

My Diary

I spent most of the day stuck on a giant spider’s web.  I had a feeling it was floating above the ground like a gigantic all seeing eye although in reality it was blind like a TV aerial.  When I looked around I could see a plasticine version of Torquay which reminded me of my holidays.  There was a huge spider on the beach.

I don’t like hanging around so I drew a six thirty face on the alarm clock.  It turned into a set of traffic lights which stopped a motorcycle with wings.  I called it Pegasus (it didn’t call me Bellerophon).  The lights changed into three chalices – I had to choose the right one.

My Diary

Sunday which I spent as a caveman.  I have a plot of land in front of the cave which I am transforming into a giant man holding club.  I intend to have a barbecue on the club.  Smoke was coming from a hole in the ground; on investigation I found a small bird dressed in a pin stripe suit tending a fire.  It asked me for the time of day.

The evening was spent in a crowd.  I stood out while others pretended to sit.  When I come home I learnt that my dog had become prime minister.  I gave it my last chew.

My Diary

The first part of the day was normal; I painted spots on an ostrich.  Later I had a change of heart.  I became a dancer on a record turntable and moved the heavens.  Unfortunately someone changed the record.

In the middle of the day I tobogganed on warm grass.  The grass had tyre marks on it that made a face: The hill smiled.

When I returned as a scarab beetle I made sure all the shelves were full.   I then promised to screw islands on a wall of water.

My Diary

A day painting, off and on – some of the offs were a train carriage long.

The dog went about wearing a table.  She hid every time a bomb came down through the ceiling.  My wife and I eventually crept under a chair

I found the wall with the eye in it.  I spent a lot of time staring at it waiting for it to blink.  However, I blinked first and my wife came in wearing frog spawn as a hat.  I tightened my anaconda tie and went to see if I could find a man up a pole to practice on.

My Diary

I went down the diamond mine wearing a strange hat.  When I came up again I noticed all the trees were wearing gloves on their branches.  I whistled and a black bird delivered my paper.

In the evening I was talking to a man when his ear fell off and slid away like a crumpled pink slug.  I christened him King Vincent.  He thanked me and walked off.

I came home in the dark with a lamp balanced on my head.